afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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