i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
