Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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