Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
