I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
