i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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