Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
