see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
