im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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