I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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