My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
