Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
