Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
