Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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