...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Randomize
