Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
40s are totally the cure
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
