i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
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Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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