I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
