Heybabeimwearingurpanties
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
