i jhust puked up my retainher.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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