I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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