You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
We have so much sex to catch up on
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
