I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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