I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
