He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
