We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
