can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
