I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
