I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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