Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Randomize
