I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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