nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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