You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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