please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
