you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
