we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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