you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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