And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
