Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
