Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
