This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
