I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
