even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
