I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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