I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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