Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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