Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Randomize
