he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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