I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Randomize
