You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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