put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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