Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
