Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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