I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
