I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
