I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
