Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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