I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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