im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
