nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
