so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
