My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
