woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
